MTB Dating Diaries: Chapter 1, Part 6

Is age just a number when it comes to dating?

I’m back… well, I never really left. I’ve continued to ponder and wander the world of Singledom in shock and awe at the experiences and sights that have unfolded around me. The learning curve has been steep and harsh, but thrilling nonetheless, if not to learn about the dating world than to learn a little more about myself and my role within it. Here’s a wee recap of previous entries, in case you’ve missed one or are eager to relive the awkwardness…  

MTB Dating Diaries: Part 1 – An introduction to me, nude photos and two fuckwits
MTB Dating Diaries: Part 2 – Intimidation, confidence and two more fuckwits
MTB Dating Diaries: Part 3 – MTB Hoe Bags, dating jargon and more delightful fuckwits
MTB Dating Diaries: Part 4 – Sex
MTB Dating Diaries: Part 5 – Find out what my ex’s say about me

When it comes to dating, is age really just a number?

It’s a natural thing for humans to default search for a mate around their own age, and why wouldn’t you? It’s easy to assume that you’d both be at a similar maturity level and be looking for similar things in life. A common unwritten rule is to date within a five-year age range of your own – or so I’ve heard – and yet, I know successful couples with at least a decade between them. So, do these couples prove the rule to be nothing more than bullshit, or are they just unicorn exceptions to it?

If I’m going to wander down “age avenue”, it’s only fair for me to disclose that I am 30 years old. I’m ok with that, despite how people have told me that it’s not ok to live alone with a cat at my age because people will talk – Thanks, Nana.

So, when it comes to dating, how important is age? And are we restricting the search too much when we set precise parameters that ultimately could cause you to miss out on Mr/Miss Right?

Why can’t I have my cake and eat it?

You know how they say; “Money – Work – Relationships” – you can only have one or two at any time but never all three? Well, you can apply a similar anecdote to dating as well. We all seek different things but for me, it’s roughly the following:

“Personality – Looks – Age – Location” – I’m only allowed two.

I’ve met awesome potentials who I’ve fallen for… but they live forever away. Or someone who’s a total fittie with a body like wow, but utterly thick as shit. Someone who’s charming and yet, wonderfully inappropriate. It’s so goddamn frustrating!

It’s Tick Tock in the Egg Shop                                   

Being a 30-year-old woman, living on her own with her cat, it’s often assumed that I’m looking to bake up some mini-humans. I’m getting on. I’m a woman in decline and, obviously, I must have the need to replicate myself in a child form because my eggs are dying. It’s fine, I can see why some people would think that, after all, in a relatively short period of time, the norm went from women having children in their early twenties, to now, where women are having their first child later on in life – hurray for feminism.

Personally, I’m not thinking that far ahead. While having a family one day would be nice because let’s face it, mini-me’s would be sick as shit, it’s not really on my radar right now. I love riding my bike, I’m passionate about my career and I’m not even sure I’m responsible enough – keeping Gomez happy, healthy and alive is a genuine daily achievement.

The other assumption that I’ve found of women over 30 is that we’re more experienced and we know what we want, and dare I say it, we’re more stubborn? I don’t think that’s the case though. Of course, being alive on this planet will give us some more life experience over say, a perky 20-year-old, but the term “experience” is vastly broad in itself. If anything, I’ve chilled out a great deal over my twenties and all the petty drama and bullshit that went with it, I now just don’t fucking care. So how does this all translate into the dating world?

Toy Boy or Sugar Daddy?

When it comes to the age of a potential partner, I rarely ask. Unless it’s plastered on their social media profile or it comes up in general conversation, I kinda like not knowing their age because I don’t want to fall into a stereotyping trap of; “oh, you’re 21 so you must be too immature for me” … or, “oh you’re so much older than me, you’re nearly dead”.

And this leads me neatly into some dating success stories – ish – of sorts.

Mr. 9 years my junior

Admittedly, I didn’t know this guy’s age until it was too late and I found out he was 9 years younger than me. I was a little surprised and quickly questioned the actions that were most definitely going to happen that night, and yet, why should I have cared how much younger he was if there was attraction? He was single, legal and consensual after all…

Despite the banter, jokes and young lad front, this guy had somewhat of a level head on his shoulders and beneath it all, I fleshed out some non-dickhead qualities. We had some pretty alright dates in some nice places… so, what was the catch?

Firstly, from the aforementioned list, the location box was most certainly not ticked. He was also somewhat of a ghoster. Whether he knew it and he was being a cock, or he didn’t know it because he was naïve, I don’t know but its behaviour such as this that came across uncertain and inexperienced with communicative etiquette.

Mr. 6 years my junior

What started as a casual friendship later evolved into a little bit more. I couldn’t really fault him; nice, caring, attractive… His company was easy going, which is good, right?

Now, I know the term “man-child” applies to a majority of men to a varying degree, but I very quickly began to feel like more of a mother in some ways with an increasing sense of dependency on me. I like my space, I like me-time and sometimes I like to just hang out with Gomez and be left alone.

While he was the total opposite of a ghoster – with incessant messaging – he didn’t do anything wrong. He was killing me with kindness, smothering me with it. I know, I probably sound like such a cunt but to me, a good relationship is when two individuals come together, with the keyword being individuals. You both maintain your own lives, friends, hobbies and freedom, none of which should be binned off entirely for someone else – obviously, compromises are made.

Mr. 3 years my junior

What started out as a confident personality, oozing self-assurance and focus soon began to crumble away to an extremely immature nature. I don’t mean immature in a silly joking way, but in an emotional way.

It was like, on paper, this guy seemed to have his shit together, be relatively independent and quite content in life having worked hard to earn what he had and still maintained a drive to achieve more in life. I liked that. However, after a few trivial things occurred – dear God, I cannot tolerate liars – he couldn’t handle being wrong, being proved a twat and most of all, getting caught. Personal constructive criticism was a no-go and a truly childish hobgoblin reared its ugly head. I quickly come to the realisation that the qualities I first found attractive were nothing more than a façade and behind it was just a little boy playing grown-up. Fuck that drama, I was out.

Mr. 18 months my senior

From the outset, the location box was most certainly unchecked with his residence being in fucking Narnia. Because I knew this straight up, I told myself to just enjoy the new phone-friend I had to fill the empty nights with, and that was going to be that. Until the inevitable subject of meeting up came to fruition. Fuck.

Fuck, because this entity living on my phone suddenly became a real person and the trek from Narnia was, to me, a considerable effort to burst the cyber bubble. Before a plan was hatched, a direct and mature conversation took place to establish boundaries and to thwart any intent.

His visit to the real world was met with nerves that quickly settled as boundaries were most definitely respected, awkwardness subsided and with no hint of guilt or resentment to add a bad taste in my mouth. Our lagged digital relationship translated seamlessly into the real world and relief, intrigue and feelings of want began to inhabit. A wonderfully refreshing and rarely experienced circumstance that I pondered; was this the behaviour of a more experienced older man or simply, a characteristic of a good human?

What is a dating success though?

I used to think that a dating success would ultimately result in a relationship. Either my standards of the term “success” have significantly plummeted or I’ve broadened my perspective of the notion – let’s go with the latter, shall we?

Success can take many forms in the realm of dating. Obviously, it could result in meeting “the one” or it could be as simple as plucking up the courage to message someone first. For me, I’ve come to find that success can be just having a really nice chat with someone who actually takes an interest in me.

Success is that sickening bravery it takes to hit the send button of a message you’ve rewritten several times to someone you’re making the first move on. It can be asking someone out on a date and just being stoked with yourself that you were brave enough for the briefest of moments to ask.

Success is whatever (or whoever) ignites a nervous excitement as slumbering butterflies in your stomach begin to stir. Even if that string of flirtatious messages goes nowhere at all, it’s nice, it brought you pleasure, hope and optimism that you won’t be alone forever – as so many of us singletons fear. For me, I find these little wins confidence inspiring, even if they fizzle out, it was nice whilst it lasted.  

So, when it comes to dating, does age matter? Well, yes and no. I think it’s safe to use age as an indication but not much more than that.

We all come from different walks of life with varying upbringings so it isn’t surprising that a 19-year-old could be ten times more mature and focused than a 32-year-old, or that an older man could be so inexperienced with women that he trembles like the heart of a hummingbird under your touch.

What I’m trying to say is, fuck age. Expand your dating search parameters and just enjoy those who give you washing-machine tummy (that’s a legit medical term… maybe), after all, almost all the men that I’ve had the pleasure of talking to, haven’t even felt the tip of the dick of life.

Up Next…

MTB Dating Diaries: Chapter 2, Part 1

Catch up…
MTB Dating Diaries: Chapter 1, Part 1

MTB Dating Diaries: Chapter 1, Part 2

MTB Dating Diaries: Chapter 1, Part 3

MTB Dating Diaries: Chapter 1, Part 4

MTB Dating Diaries: Chapter 1, Part 5

MTB Dating Diaries: Chapter 1, Part 5

“Why are you single, what’s wrong with you?”

Before you feed your greedy eyes with Part 5 of my dating misadventures, are you up to date with all the crazy happenings? If not, here’s a quick recap:

MTB Dating Diaries: Part 1 – An introduction to me, nude photos and two fuckwits
MTB Dating Diaries: Part 2 – Intimidation, confidence and two more fuckwits
MTB Dating Diaries: Part 3 – MTB Hoe Bags, dating jargon and more delightful fuckwits
MTB Dating Diaries: Part 4 – Sex

Ok, so I know I ended Part 4 with a bit of a teaser regarding “successful” dates that I’ve had but I’m still shaping that feature so, I figured it more important to first dig deep and pick open some old emotional wounds.

Reflection is a good thing. Taking a step back to look at your life; is it going where you want it to? If not, why not? And, how can you change this? I’ve come to realise that while I can ponder these things tirelessly, I won’t have the right answers and can only hazard a guess at many of my own life’s mysteries.

“Why are you single?”

Perhaps the most common question I’ve been asked is; “Why are you single?”

Well, if I knew… I probably wouldn’t be single. I also don’t like how this question comes with a negative undertone which is delivered in such a way that it implies there’s something wrong with me. Why isn’t it just okay to be single? I’m probably single for the same reason that many other singletons are single, just haven’t found the right one yet.

I’ll admit, however, that this question did get me thinking; “what am I like as a girlfriend?” and “is there something wrong with me?” – Instead of looking within myself which would undoubtedly yield a bias conclusion of; “Nah, I’m fucking awesome“, I decided to do something in a momentary lapse of sanity and contact my ex-boyfriends to ask them. I know what you’re thinking but in the name of research, dating dedication and curiosity, I ran with my wild idea. So, let’s hear it for these valiant ex’s of mine who chose to take part – bravo!

Lee – “I have no idea why you’re single… but dating you was always a thrill, it was always interesting. You weren’t an arsehole, you were stubborn, but not an arsehole.”

Stubborn – how very dare he?

Joe – “ I think you were always looking for something. It’s like you weren’t content so you were oddly materialistic. You were caring and needy, but who isn’t at that age? I have no negative memories. I didn’t think dating you was hard work, we had fun but we’re both just very different people.”

This is true. Doesn’t matter how much you love someone, if you’re not right for one another, it won’t work

Adam – “I don’t think you were a cunt during the relationship but I do think it had a bad dynamic. At around 17, you think you’re all grown up and adult… We were both in generally bad head spaces when we were together… getting out of Switzerland, high-school and all that associated bullshit probably weighed a lot on the relationship”

Oh, those high-school first loves.

Annon – “I think there were times in the relationship where I felt like I didn’t know who you were, you could act out of character or be very cold towards me… over time this had an accumulative effect. Also, I felt that even though you said you had forgiven me [for stuff] it had been brought up at later dates and ultimately, I felt it was always looming over me seemingly indefinitely.” – yea, that’s true.

Cons: You would close yourself off or not be fully open about things – If you were in a bad mood it would cause tension in the room, but if you were in a good mood you could make everyone happy and brighten their day – You can be stubborn, where we would end up at a stalemate.

Pros: You have a great capacity for kindness, and you can be very thoughtful – You were very helpful and with most things in my life, you would get involved and find the best way of doing it… working as a team together and always fully investing yourself into what you do – You were fun to be with. I remember all the fun things we used to do and be silly and laugh, it did genuinely feel like I’d had the best times with you.

I can’t argue with any of that.

Just for good measure, I asked my sister for her unwavering brutal honesty in the matter by naming three pros and three cons about me, here’s what my dear sister said:

Cons: can be insensitive and harsh with banter – not overly feminine – stubborn

Pros: strong – independent – decisive – easy going – up for a laugh

So when my sister says I’m insensitive and harsh with banter, it’s because I have virtually no filter. Something pops into my head and I say it, usually followed by a gasp and immediate apology, but it’s hard to keep a lid on these naturally occurring, and hilarious, burns.

So, what have I learnt from all this?

Well, there appears to be a reoccurring theme around stubbornness being a problematic trait of mine. Now, this doesn’t shock me as such, but I always considered this aspect of my personality to be more “head-strong” rather than stubborn; a need to defend myself and/or stick up for myself. I’ve now realised that perhaps, my desire to be right is not as important as the need to be fair. That’s some serious food for thought…

Another thing that I’ve taken away from this insightful insanity trip is that each of these relationships occurred at various stages of my life with an ever (d)evolving maturity level and a need to find my own self… as cliché as that may sound. 

I can’t say whether I would recommend contacting your ex-partners for some personal insight, but I think I came away relatively unscathed. Phew!

Next time, I promise to attempt to talk about the successful dates… but I’ve found that to be just as difficult, if not more so because they come with their own web of entanglement, mixed messages and general what-the-fuck-is-going-on-ness.

MTB Dating Diaries: Chapter 1, Part 6

MTB Dating Diaries: Chapter 2, Part 1

Catch up…
MTB Dating Diaries: Chapter 1, Part 1

MTB Dating Diaries: Chapter 1, Part 2

MTB Dating Diaries: Chapter 1, Part 3

MTB Dating Diaries: Chapter 1, Part 4

MTB Dating Diaries: Chapter 1, Part 4

It’s all about sex, baby…

Fear not, your loveless warrior is still here. Heroically surviving the insipid realm of dating. I use the word surviving in a way that depicts a lazy walrus flopped on a block of ice, bobbing around on the water’s top… because my current dating mood is “meh”.

If you’ve not done your homework and you’re a little behind on my dating adventures, then stop right there and play some catch up:

MTB Dating Diaries: Part 1

MTB Dating Diaries: Part 2

MTB Dating Diaries: Part 3

Right – good to carry on? Let’s go then…

Let’s talk about sex, baby

I’ve come to learn that for many people, sex is a big part of dating and I don’t mean after you’ve been on a date or few, but even in the precursory stages of just messaging someone new. Now, flirting with someone you fancy is fairly natural, even I attempt to flirt in my own awkward way, but flirting to me is not trying to engage someone is full blown sexting, asking for nudes or anything so vulgar that would cheapen the delirious buzz of getting closer to someone you like – I know I sound soppy but fuck it.

Admittedly, I’m somewhat of an “over-thinker”. I’ll think about a situation and every possible outcome of that situation as a means of, let’s call it, mental preparation. I know this is a stupid thing to do; waste time and energy pondering fictitious scenarios which may (often don’t) come to fruition but I also can’t help it. Now, sex is one of my most overthought areas because it very directly, and intimately, affects someone else. With traditional dating concepts going out the window, sex seems to be very readily available and, quite frankly, it’s lost a lot of what makes it so great… There’s even an app for easy hook-ups now making getting laid easier than ordering a pizza, for fuck’s sake!

At the end of the day, we’re animals; we survive, we procreate, we die. However, unlike a vast majority of the animal kingdom, humans have sex for pleasure which throws our society into chaos. Sex is great, sex has consequences, sex (for many of us) is emotional – A recipe for disaster or the greatest love story ever told?

So let’s say you meet someone and the attraction is there, the butterflies are making you weak, your skin prickles as your hands tremble and you just think “oh God, please kiss me you fucking fuck”.

And then they do. Now, providing they haven’t fallen into a coma from your incredible lip-locking capabilities, how does one handle what may or may not happen next? Beyond the kissing hurdle comes the question “How far do I want to take this?”. My thought process goes into hyperdrive and it spews out crap from my eejit of a brain because if I do want more than a make-out session, what are the risks to my emotions, my reputation and theirs.

The Internal Monologue of the Anxious Mind: Is it too soon? – Fuck it – Will I be another notch on his bedpost? – What underwear am I wearing? – Will he tell all his mates? – Will this give me a bad rep? – Does he like me too much or not enough? – Have I shaved? – Do I like him enough? – What is this?! – Yes – No – YES – NO – ARGH!

Fuck or Flight

It’s extremely hard to turn down something you really want, especially when it’s within (or in) your grasp. It’s at this point my overactive anxious mind enters a cranial war with my animal instinct.

For someone who likes to indulge in things they enjoy, sex is the one thing I’m most reserved about because I would rather go without, then risk hurting someone or open myself up to be hurt. I’m not embarrassed to say that I want them to want me for more than a lay, more than a body, more than an opportunity, but these things are rarely discussed nowadays and social media has made sure that we’re almost too afraid of expressing our emotions. It’s like the “dating language” I tried to decipher previously, if you even attempt to ask what/if you’re both a “thing” too early, it can set off alarm bells because suddenly you’ve forced them to face reality and that reality is “Bro, you may be about to do a shitty thing here”… and no one wants to be a cunt.

So, there I am, locking lips with a handsome man and I’m not in the moment as much as I want to be because this worrisome brain of mine is battling carnal forces beyond my control. And that’s a perturbing thought in itself, that the primitive pleasures which lay before me are so powerful that my animal instinct ignites and the vulnerable excitement weakens any rational thought.

And as his hand snakes past the point of no return. I succumb… Consequences schmonsequences.

Post-Coital Conundrum

And now what? The (oh so very) lucky guy has seen me naked. Seen me in my most vulnerable state and regardless of how brief or lengthy the encounter was, the result is still the same.

Ok, so “shame” maybe a little far fetched but a sudden wave of worry consumes the post-coital euphoria; “What did that mean?”. A new name on the rap sheet brings me one step closer to embodying that all too familiar tar of an MTB Hoe Bag. Now, I’m careful of my feelings and I’m pretty cautious, so to think my defences have been thwarted by some fittie with a silver tongue, concerns me along with the possible heartache that may be waiting.

For someone who’s usually very open and direct with people, even I get caught up in the fear of having my feelings hurt, and hurting someone else. When it comes to sex, you’re never going to really know what the other one is thinking and sometimes, when you do pluck up the courage to ask, you get a well-rehearsed few lines to throw you off their true intentions; “I’m not like that” – “I’m not that kinda guy” but I really hope that isn’t the case though…

It’s not all bad though…

As I’ve opened myself up and entertained you with my misery business, I’ve been harbouring a little secret and that’s a minor success in my dating life.

I’ve not only met or spoken with dickheads but I’ve also had a couple of successful dates, or so I think they were successful. I didn’t end up crying or regretting them, so that’s most definitely a positive. Right?

I think I’ll keep you on tender-hooks until the next instalment before I divulge any more information though as I’ve discovered that with success comes even more Why’s and What-the-Fucks.

As I make my way through single-life, I’ve met some charming fellows, dabbled in modern-day dating techniques, been confused and left feeling like the prospect of being a crazy cat lady isn’t so bad after all.

MTB Dating Diaries: Chapter 1, Part 5

MTB Dating Diaries: Chapter 1, Part 6

MTB Dating Diaries: Chapter 2, Part 1

Catch up…
MTB Dating Diaries: Chapter 1, Part 1

MTB Dating Diaries: Chapter 1, Part 2

MTB Dating Diaries: Chapter 1, Part 3

MTB Dating Diaries: Chapter 1, Part 3

Having more questions than answers is never a good thing…

It’s ironic for me to call this series “MTB Dating Diaries” because as you can see from Part 1 and Part 2, I’ve not actually had a real date-date. I’ve been bailed on, lied to, confused and enticed in by work affairs, that I’ve not really ever been on a real “first date” before. Ever.

MTB Women are hoe bags

 No,  Micayla Gatto  is not a hoe bag! - Check out the
No, Micayla Gatto is not a hoe bag! – Check out the “Ferda Girls” video here

It goes without saying that there are far fewer women in mountain biking than men.

To draw upon the current social stigma associated with men vs. women and dating, women come off far worse for wear. A girl who sleeps with 100 people will be viewed far more negatively than a man who sleeps with the same number.

In MTB, women certainly have a disadvantage when it comes to dating, and with the MTB community being so small and cliquey, every fucker knows your business. We all hear gossip and rumours about who is seeing who, who’s been with who and from all the crap I’ve heard, it’s rarely the men who get the bad rep for it.

For those of us who just want to meet a nice rider guy, we look within the MTB pool of potentials. Yet, if one relationship doesn’t work out, you return to the same pool and try again. But, because that pool has such a skewed ratio of men: women, if a woman then goes out with another rider, and another, the woman begins to build up a rap sheet because there are so few of us, which sucks because we’re not sleeping around, we’re just doing what many of us do when single – looking for, dare I say it, love.

While I’ve heard MTB dating rumours, I personally, don’t care who’s doing who. The reason I’ve decided to write about this particular aspect is that more than one of my male friends have said it’s something they themselves have considered when dating an MTB woman. “Who’s she been with that I know?” – “How many has she been with in this scene?” etc… But, don’t we all wonder that at some point?

Dating Language

If you ask a guy out – you’re too keen
If you say you’re excited to meet a guy – you’re desperate
If you say you miss him – you’re needy
If you don’t want to send nudes – you’re boring/prude
If they’re ill and you show sympathy – you’re gay
If they’ve not messaged you back for ages and you check in to see if they’re ok – you’re clingy
If you tag them in a social media post – you’re going too fast

Fuck me for having normal human emotion. Just because I wanna hang out with you or I show an interest in you, DOESN’T mean I want to marry you, have your babies and lock you down as my own personal possession.

MTB Dating Diaries: Part Three

As you may have read in part 1 and part 2, I’ve not been all that lucky when it comes to meeting nice guys and going on actual dates. My faith is being well and truly tested and subsequently, dwindling…

*To protect the identity of these persons, I’ve omitted their names and I won’t name them so please don’t ask me*

The Undecipherable

Ok, so this next bit is about another MTBer. I can’t really say what it was exactly, but he piqued my interest. He made me laugh and there was something about him which left an impression. Ok ok, I saw him topless and Goddayum.

Social media conversation ensued and it was a long slog of analysing responses to see if there was anything to pursue; if he liked me and if I could be bothered. Until he broached the subject of buying me a drink. Ok, I thought, why not? His emotionless and infrequent messages were hard to decipher but a date was on the cards nonetheless.

A few days prior to this date, his entire demeanour did a one-eighty. Messages got cocky, sexual and it didn’t even sound like him. I’m pretty sure he thought sex was a sure thing, until I foiled his plan to sleepover (basically, I said no) and he cancelled the date with a half-arsed excuse. Charming.

This sucked because after however many weeks of regular messaging, to have been blown off at the last minute… hurts like a motherfucker.

The Flake Returns!

So remember The Flake from part two and how he dropped off the face of the earth?

Well, I stopped giving a fuck after his weird and aloof behaviour until out-of-the-blue he sends me a message about something I had posted on social media, where he followed up the message by apologising for “going quiet” on me. He said he wanted to make it up to me… hrm, ok.

I reminded him that it wasn’t cool to treat people the way he had and he was a dick. I showed mercy and a pleasant conversation ensued… until he asked if I wanted a nude photo of him – I said no.

And then maybe 24 hrs later… he goes quiet again. Pfft, what the fuck is up with people?

The Tidbits

Of course, there have been other men who have wormed their way into my inbox and as I always say, first impressions count… yet, if you fuck it up, I’m pretty lenient with second impressions – I know I don’t always make the best first impression of myself, that’s for sure!

However, send me an unsolicited dick-pic, and no. Send me “Hi, Can I take you on a date?”, and no. Ask me for a job, no. Ask me for some free kit, no. If we’re total strangers, talk to me about stuff, give a conversation a chance and go from there. Don’t send me a photo of your half naked body and be like “fancy this?” – what the shit.

My other pieces of advice would include; Not having a girlfriend that you’re “in the middle of breaking up with” – Not asking me for nudes – Not being arrogant or cocky about how you could so easily pull me – Not to try and get a rise out of me through jealousy over women, because grow the fuck up.

As my confidence and faith levels dwindle somewhat, I’m trying to keep a positive outlook on things. Is it really so hard to find a nice guy who wants to go on bike adventures and watch cartoons in their underwear with me?

MTB Dating Diaries: Chapter 1, Part 4

MTB Dating Diaries: Chapter 1, Part 5

MTB Dating Diaries: Chapter 1, Part 6

MTB Dating Diaries: Chapter 2, Part 1

Catch up…
MTB Dating Diaries: Chapter1, Part 1

MTB Dating Diaries: Chapter 1, Part 2